How to have sex with your wife

I know a lot of families with little kids and lately I have been struck by how complicated sex becomes for these couples. Men want to have sex and don’t like feeling rejected all the time by their wives. Wives want to have sex but not the way their husbands are trying to get them to have sex.

I am going to tell you how to get your wife – the mother of your children – to have sex with you:

Play with and take care of your children.

That’s it. It really is that easy.

Do not complain about spending time with your children. When, on Saturday morning, your wife is exhausted from work and from the kids, get out of bed and say, “I think I am going to take the kids out to the park to play. And I think we will get lunch out before we head home. Do you mind?” Then do it.

When she texts you to ask how it’s going, type back, “Great! We are having fun.” I don’t care if you are actually having fun or if you are not actually having fun. If the goal is to have sex, I am telling you what to do. If your child has lodged a dime up her left nostril and you are in the urgent care waiting to have it removed, your text should read: “We are learning about money – little Suzy is so clever with coins! Hope you are doing well.”

If little Max wants to play Star Wars for the 2000th time this week and you know for certain that it is your wife’s turn to play with him and you also know for certain that if you play Star Wars one more time your vocabulary and mental faculties will decline by 32%, tell your wife, “Max is so imaginative – do you mind we if stay out playing a little extra while?”

If your wife calls from work and says, “Hey – I am running a little late. I am really sorry. Can you start dinner for the kids?” Do NOT say, “But it is your turn to pick them up! I have to get this project done.” That all may be true, but it will not get you laid. Instead say, “You bet, babe. Take your time. We are all good here.” I swear to god, this is like porn to your wife.

Do not grab your wife’s right breast while she is standing in the kitchen, washing dishes and the kids are fighting in the next room. I know this works in movies, but it will not work with your wife. Instead, say, “Hey, how about I put the kids to bed – I have been wanting to read the next Diary of a Wimpy Kid book.” Then hand your wife a mojito, collect your children and go upstairs. Act like putting your kids to bed is the best thing you have ever been allowed to do. Trust me, this will turn her on more than trying to grab her breast ever will.

There you go. It’s that simple. When you play happily with your children and take care of your children, it is like foreplay for your wife. That’s all you have to do.

Oh, and hold her head -- with both hands -- when you kiss her.